


what I never wanted to lose

by SEMellark



Series: When All I Have Is Your Name [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Psychological Manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 08:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4953577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEMellark/pseuds/SEMellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They do a follow-up almost two months after Haru was taken away.</p><p>Makoto has been expecting it, although he never thought it would take them so long to get to him when they got Nagisa after just the first week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what I never wanted to lose

**Author's Note:**

> Look what I decided to bring back. One of my most depressing works to date! AMAZING.
> 
> You'll definitely want to read When All I Have Is Your Name to understand this one. Based off Suzanne Young's YA novel "The Program."

They do a follow-up almost two months after Haru was taken away.

Makoto has been expecting it, although he never thought it would take them so long to get to him when they got Nagisa after just the first week.

He’s taken to a nearby facility before school on a Wednesday, doesn’t even make it to his homeroom class before the guards descend. There are only two of them, and while they gaze upon him coldly and without an ounce of recognition, Makoto could never forget the faces of the men who came for Haru.

It isn’t The Program, which is where Haru was taken, in Tokyo. The resident who comes to greet Makoto calls him “Tachibana-san” in an oddly cheerful tone and explains that he’ll be staying with the outreach program for exactly two weeks to help him come to terms with the mental deterioration of his closest friend.

Two weeks until he can go home. Two weeks until his eighteenth birthday.

“Your family has already been notified, and a room has been prepared for your stay.” The woman is nearly two heads shorter than Makoto, and the way she has to crane her neck back to look him in the eye would probably make Nagisa crack up.

“Thank you for your hospitality.” Makoto says, giving her the slightest bow, both of the guards from The Program still flanking him on either side.

That first night, the very same woman who’d greeted Makoto earlier comes to his room after he’s eaten dinner, carrying a suspiciously blank manila envelope.

“Are you comfortable?” She asks him, sitting down on the bed beside Makoto. He’s not comfortable with it, but he doesn’t so much as squirm.

“Very.” He replies.

“I’m going to show you three pictures from your childhood.” The envelope is opened with an odd ripping sound – she’s overeager – and Makoto recognizes this as the start of the process that Nagisa must have endured just over a month previously. “And I want you to tell me what you remember about them.”

“You’re going to take my memories, aren’t you?” Makoto asks, resigned to it in a way that terrifies him.

There’s no way out now that he’s in, and no one has ever managed to maintain targeted memories as far as he knows. He could walk out of there in one week with no recollection of Haru, and while Makoto feels like crying now, he certainly won’t in two weeks.

How could he? He won’t remember anything he’s about to lose.

But the woman smiles up at him, holding the three photos tightly in her hands. “Of course we’re not.”

The first picture is of himself in the hospital after the twins were born. He’s holding Ran in his arms, and he knows it’s her only because she’s reaching up to him. Ran explored things more with her hands than Ren ever did as an infant. Makoto remembers how warm she’d been, how scared he was of accidentally hurting her although his parents assured him that would never happen.

It was a good day, one that Makoto prays won’t be taken from him.

The next picture is of himself and his family at the beach. It was taken before the typhoon, before the ocean became this dark thing Makoto inherently feared. It had been warm that day and especially windy. Ren got toppled over by a small wave, and Ran cried when older kids stepped on her sand castle.

The final picture Makoto can’t drag his eyes from, and he actually takes it from the woman, holds it in his own two hands, because he’s not sure if he’ll ever see it after this visit.

Makoto, Haru, Nagisa, and Rei were all on a swim team when they were younger. That’s how they all met, save Makoto and Haru, who had known one another since they were toddlers.

The four of them made up one of the better relay teams for their age division, and this particular photo was taken after they’d just won their first race. Makoto remembers how proud they’d been, and it shines through in his, Nagisa’s, and Rei’s faces, and in Haru’s body language, since he’d absolutely refused to look at the camera.

“We worked so hard.” Makoto says, unable to keep himself from smiling despite his circumstances. “Haru especially.”

He freezes, all too aware of the error he just made, but the woman only smiles at him again, standing up from the bed. “You should all be proud.” She says, taking the photo from him, and Makoto has no choice but to let her. “I love seeing young people like you being so passionate.”

Makoto spends the next day in a fog, and the hours pass by like that until the woman – he’s learned by now that her name is Saki – comes to his room again after dinner.

She follows the same pattern, giving Makoto the three pictures and asking him what he remembers about them. And it’s easy enough to do as she asks… until he reaches the third picture.

“What’s the matter?” Saki asks when his silence stretches on a bit too long.

“Haru.” Makoto says, glancing up at her with questioning eyes. “You took him out of the picture?”

“That’s the same picture I showed you yesterday.” She tells him, confusion present in her tone and expression. She even goes so far as to lean over to get a better look at the picture, still sitting much too close. “You said you and your friends Rei and Nagisa were on the same swim team as children. You never mentioned there being anyone else.”

Makoto stares at her, though she won’t look at him. “Oh.” He says, softly, glancing down at the empty spot in the picture where Haru used to be. “I see.”

The third day passes in the same fashion, Makoto resolutely maintaining that they’d altered the picture while Saki claims that it’s the same as it’s always been.

“Do you people honestly think any of this is ethical?” Makoto can’t help but openly cry when Saki comes to him on the fourth, fifth, and sixth days. Artificial confusion has long since set in, but he still knows what they’re doing to him, what’s happening to his mind. “You’re _killing_ me.”

“We’re _saving_ you.” Saki replies. She no longer sits beside him on the bed, instead stands with her back to the wall as Makoto agonizes over the stupid pictures. “You are very confused, Tachibana-san. You were admitted here because of an increase in delusional behavior.”

“You brought me here because Haru’s gone!” Makoto snaps, but when he looks down at the picture again… he can’t really remember there ever having been a fourth person in it, even though he _knows_ there was. “Haru, he – I – “

He doesn’t remember what Haru looks like.

Saki sighs. “Haru isn’t real, Tachibana-san. That person is something you’ve been making up for quite some time now.”

Makoto shakes his head. He knows she’s wrong, but his thoughts are slipping through his fingers like the sand documented in the second picture.

He doesn’t remember anything after the first week. Makoto goes to sleep on the seventh night and wakes up the morning of the fourteenth, packing his belongings in a sluggish daze while Saki watches from the doorway.

Two people are there waiting for him, a man and a woman he doesn’t recognize, and Makoto stops walking before he reaches them. He doesn’t feel comfortable being handed off to strangers and angles his body towards Saki.

The man grabs his bag while the woman takes hold of both Makoto’s wrists, peering up into his face in a soft and searching way, eyes warm and unfathomably dark.

“I hope you were comfortable for the duration of your stay, Tachibana-san.” Saki says, and it makes Makoto dizzy when she bows to him. “I wish you all the best in the future.”

Makoto doesn’t say anything, and neither do the newcomers. They leave the facility in a slow and calm manner that accommodates Makoto’s lethargy, and no one speaks as they climb into a car and begin to drive.

“Where are we?” Makoto asks as soon as they step past the threshold and into a house, the woman still holding on to his arm. He doesn’t know how much time has passed since he left Saki. The entire drive was a blur. “What… happened to Saki?”

“I’ll put his things away.” The man says before promptly evaporating, and Makoto lets himself be guided further into the house and eases down on a couch at the woman’s prompting.

For a moment, she just looks at him. And Makoto looks back.

Although it takes a while, he begins to comprehend.

“Today’s my birthday, isn’t it?” Makoto asks, and the woman – his _mother_ – is inconsolable.


End file.
